Loving where we are...

Something that I notice in myself and others as a particularly devoted college student is the fact that we love to look ahead and dream of all of the things to come. Something I forget to do at times and people have reminded me of is just enjoy the great place you are in!

There are days where this concept completely stumps me... Full time job, full time student, working hard to make rent payments, finding creative ways to stay nourished (i.e. eating Ramen in particularly odd ways) and to top all that off finding time to be social and date... Yeah sounds like a great place to be and all... But I will take the fast forward 5 years option where I am on way to getting married or married with a great teaching job in a home I love. Thank you. The end.

But today I was talking to my best friend and strength in this world, my mom. We were talking about some family members we were particuallry concerned about and then the conversation took a turn discussing where I have been...

My journey the past few years has been rough, humbling, amazing, awful...an awakening of my soul really. Now that sounds really lame an cliche... But here are a few Pinterest quotes that have really rung true in my life because of my refining journey:

1.

This is where I have faltered all too often in my life. I grew up in a home with a father who had a plan for everything and to this day still does. It has proved very beneficial in our lives and we are all grateful for how prepared he seems to be. But it wasn't until the last year that I realized that my dad also implemented something so powerful that I completely missed. He always trusted in the Lord and His timing and not His own. Something I now implement into my life oh so strictly (and maybe because I am scared of the alternatives...) is that I wait until I know for sure Heavenly Father is guiding me somewhere. In the past, I have been all too quick to try and fit my plan into His plan. I wanted so badly for the things I was trying to make happen to HAPPEN! And at times I succeeded...but may I add with much consequence and pain. Ever since I have adopted this principle into my life, I have been at peace daily with where I am.

2. 

Like I said I tried so hard to force my plan on the Lord and be happy dangit! And there was a short period of time after my plans went through that I was happy...emphasis on short... Heavenly Father knows what he is doing and we need to remember that He has our best interest at heart. He never intends for us to make mistakes big or small, but when we do, He sees them as teaching opportunities. The past 3 years of my life have been "The School of Eternal Happiness" for me. It taught me so many hard lessons that I needed to learn. Including the lesson of repentance and the significance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I used to see repentance as a shameful thing and as something that was to be looked down upon. But that was such a terribly wrong mentality. It is something that is to be celebrated because whomever is taking that step to repent and restore a relationship with the Father is taking steps towards salvation! What a beautiful thing that is. I now see repentance as step towards a new beginning. Heavenly Father will forgive you over and over again, all you need to do is show Him your devotion. I used to think that was hard but who has ever been sad while living the doctrine of Jesus Christ?! In the midst of my despair I found a strength inside of me that I had only heard of before in books, and I decided that I was not going to end up like this. I was going to change my story. So I started a new chapter in my life.... I devoted my life to Him.

3. 

I have been so incredibly happy sine I made that commitment to my Father in Heaven. But I can't say that there hasn't been ups and downs. Satan has this impeccable way of making you feel like all of your mistakes define you and your future forever. He will make you feel like you can never fully bounce back. This is a roadblock I have hit many times in my life but when I finally realized that this just is not true, I was finally free! I realized that I was locking myself in a prison my my mistakes. The freedom I have felt is not only liberating but so humbling at the same time. Heavenly Father will never define you by your mistakes... You are His son or daughter... He loves you! Remember that and you will learn to love yourself unconditionally as well.

4. 

Now I love this quote but I want to make sure you understand where I am coming from with this one. I am not someone who believes in “everything happens for a reason”. There is another Pinterest quote that says something along the lines of “Everything may happen for a reason but sometimes that reason is because you made a stupid choice.” I hope that doesn’t offend anyone. I mean it in a loving way... But I believe it is true. I don’t think Heavenly Father wanted me to make any of the mistakes I have made. But He saw them as teaching opportunities. And because I was finally able to see that I am NOT defined by my mistakes, I was able to see the amount of refining that has taken place. I believe that I am becoming the person the the Lord wants me to be and a lot of times I make my journey harder, but I am here none the less and I could not be happier.

5. 

Through my short life that has been filled stubborn acts and refusal to do things the right way, I have had some very large wake up calls which have caused some of the deepest pain I ever hope to experience and I would never wish on anyone. This is the pain of a true broken heart in every sense. For a while I let that broken heart define who I was and dictate my actions. But when I finally made that commitment to put the Lord first and myself second, I found a strength within I never knew existed. I never thought it was possible to make it through what I have been through but when I re-aligned my priorities, the strength came and I began to heal my broken heart. I do not claim that strength to be mine... It came from the comfort and unconditional love of the Savior. Our elder brother is so aware of us, we only need to seek out His love and He will be there and miracles will happen.

6. 

This scripture may seem to be a strange fit in all of this but for my journey it is extremely applicable. I Timothy and II Timothy in the New Testament if the Bible have been some of my favorite works of scripture. When I am looking for a spiritual lift, I turn here first. After I went through all of my trials, I have had a hard time not letting emotional walls up. I am very good at not letting people in and when I do let them in, I am very cautious and at times I even freak out a little bit and shut them out, and then let them back in.... (So basically I am definitely a woman.) But in all seriousness, I have a genuine fear of anyone hurting me in any way so I have chosen to focus on other things rather than my friendships or relationships. Recently, I have realized that this fear was another way that Satan was trying to let my past dictate my present and future. I basically reacted a little strangely... I got mad! I was mad I had unknowingly let myself be led by such instincts as these. So I decided to let go of that fear and let old friends back into my life and I have even dated a little bit. Woah. Fear is not of the Lord. This step of not letting my fears dictate my future has been one of my final healing threads. I am finally free. I can move on and live my life in the present, appreciate where I have been, and work with God on my future. 

I know that Heavenly Father is my biggest advocate and I know that He loves me unconditionally. I know that He has a plan for everyone of you and that if we just believe that and embrace that and his gospel, we will truly find the happiness we as humans are constantly seeking. So my message today is large but if you take anything away from this, just appreciate your past and where it has taken you. The trials we go through shape who we are and we should only show gratitude for those situations. Love where you are.

(Disclaimer: None of this is doctrine from the prophets, it is my own journey that lead me to total commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ.)

Refining Ourselves

Thank you for all of the love and support my dear friends. It is always encouraging to know that I still have people out there who love me in all that I may do and say regardless of what it may be :)

Well growing up is just not all that fun. For example, on my lunch hour today I called a doctor's office, called insurance, discussed my issue with 3 different insurance people, paid my rent, and set up my direct deposit for work... Since when is that what I imagined my lunch hours would be like?! I imagined they would be filled with quaint little lunch dates with co-workers and best friends or a boyfriend and I would be looking and feeling fabulous in crazy high heels not feeling a twinge of pain and I would have the world in the palm of my hand... That could not be further from the truth. Instead lunch hours consist of disheveled hair, most jewelry I originally had put on is taken off, hair up, and clothes stretched out not looking so cute anymore and to top it all of, a homemade turkey sandwich and sun chips. Imagine a 10 year old after school but fast forwarded 12 years later.... Yeah that's me. Maybe it is just the spaz that I am but I have learned to embrace the messiness of it all and I decided that this is what grown up life is really life.

But just for a moment let us just pretend that we adopt the Peter Pan mantra, "I won't ever grow up." So if I was to pick my favorite year of childhood/adolescence it would be my junior year in high school. I had a lead role in a play, I went to all of the school dances, I dated like crazy, and I did really well in school and not to mention that year I looked great! So if I were still that girl today, I would probably still have a different boy every day of the week and I would still be living at home and demanding ridiculous things from my parents and realizing every day just how much they do for me and feeling guilty for being a brat every other day.... Hmmmm maybe we grow up for a reason. Imagine the world if we all stopped progressing after the age of 17... Scary right?

If I have learned anything it is that God gives us trials for a reason. Some bigger than others but all are meant to teach us a lesson. We also need to remember that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. We have these hard things in our life to make us that much stronger than before and if we are faithful until the end, we will become so much closer to our Father in Heaven.

Let me recall a story that a friend told at a summer camp that really spoke to me:

Jane was with her mom one day and because of some scheduling issues, Jane had to go with her mom to her embroidery group. The group was hand-embroidering a tapestry which was tied up on quilting benches while the women sat around it and were busy at work. Jane got bored of playing by herself so she decided to lay underneath the quilt and lay down on her back with her hands behind her head looking at the threads and the needles going through the fabric. She could see all kinds of thread colors and knots and messiness from the women's embroidering and they only seemed to be making a mess and making it worse as they went along! When Jane's dad came to pick her up she said to her dad, "That blanket is ugly. The threads are all messy and knotted... Why do they do that?" The dad then proceeded to lift Jane up onto his shoulders and she was able to get a full view of the tapestry from above. The picture that was forming was a beautiful landscape of a mountain range and an intricate waterfall that looked almost life like.

Life is like that. We look at our lives sometimes and think, "Good heavens what have I done and gotten myself into?! I am one hot mess...." To that I say-  look at your life from an eternal perspective. The mess becomes beautiful if we let it refine us and not harden us.

Always,
Stefani

Here I go again...

So this isn't my first time around with a blog. But I decided it is time to get back at it and let out all of this pent up...sarcasm? or something... My blog title is a very simple but a very descriptive couple of words that describe me. Sarcasm is the only way I make it through everyday. Now let me clarify...the sarcasm I am talking about is not rude or meant to offend; I only intend to entertain others with my looney thoughts that are constantly running through my head. The other half of my blog title is about my favorite food...CUPCAKES! Who doesn't love a mini form of a full sized cake? Especially with extra frosting! I love them and with in the first few blog posts I intend to show you some of the baking goodness I come up with and post a picture of it with the recipe. So this blog won't be a complete waste of your time ;)

All of that being said...

Today I had to suck up some major pride and ask my parents for help. My parents are my rock and without them I would be in a ditch...in a blanket I found in a dumpster...fat...and I would have a case of self-imposed schizophrenia...but at least in my head I would be happy...and the most popular girl around! So this isn't the kind of help-dread that some talk about because they are worried about their parents asking for something in return. It is more like "I am freaking 22 years-old! What is my problem?! Get it together woman!" Okay I might have taken that too far but a lot of times that is what crosses my mind when i have to go to them for some help. But they willingly wanted to... Goodness I am a blessed lady. Yeah my parents may or may not be better yours. (Just kidding...I am sure all of your parents are lovely.)

So here I am, beginning a blog at 12:30am and getting out all of my writing wiggles putting off going to bed because that means another day of living the dream...or the life that comes before living the dream...at least that is what my mom tells me I am doing...and given my previous evidence of my mother's awesome-factor, I believe her :)

Here goes another day of continued laughter and happiness in all things. Remember to be positive because there are too many blessings in your midst. For example the computer/phone/TV that you are reading this on. Yeah contrary to popular belief, those things are luxuries.

Much love,
Stef